Musician Jokes
The more you learn to master your instrument, the less likely you are to make a living at it.
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Eric Clapton decided to change his band, and summoned them all there to explain his reasons, i.e. that the Eric Clapton band as it had been known for several years, would be no more. Steve Ferrone said, "That's fine Eric, but can we keep the name?"
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What do you call a good looking, intelligent, sensible musician who plays perfectly? - A rumour!
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What is the definition of a Soviet string quartet? A Soviet symphony orchestra after a tour of the USA!
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Two guys are standing on the curb when a taxi pulls up. One is holding a pair of drum sticks, and the other is carrying a guitar. Who is the professional musician? - The Taxi driver.
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What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone? "Well… I didn't wake up this morning…"
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How do you make a million pounds singing rock n roll? Start with two million
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A rock n roll musician was told by his doctor, that he had a terminal disease and only had one more year to live. The rock n roller replied, " And on what am I going to live on for an entire year?!"
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What would a musician do if he won a million pounds? - Continue to do gigs until the money ran out.
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St. Peter is checking credentials at the pearly gates, and says to the man "what did you do on earth?" The man replies, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, " Ok, go through those pearly gates, Next! what did you do on earth?" I was a school teacher." St. Peter says, " Ok, go through those pearly gates, Next! what did you do on earth?" The man replies, "I was a musician," St. Peter replies, "Ok, Go round the side, up the stairs, through the kitchen……."
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Beethoven was so deaf, that he thought that he was a painter.
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How do you get two sax players to play in unison? Shoot one.
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How do you get a guitarist to turn his volume down? Put some sheet music in front of him.
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A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his 1st lesson, the father asks, "So what did you learn?" "Well, I learnt the first five notes on the E string." Next week after the 2nd lesson, the father asks about his sons progress, and the son replies, " I learnt the first five notes on the A string." The next week, the son returns drunk, and the father asks what happened in today's lesson?, The boy replied, "I'm sorry I couldn't make it to today's lesson; I had a gig!"
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Bass player's motto: It is better to be sharp than out of tune.
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What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
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Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a cello case? They think he's carrying a machine gun, and might be about to use it.- Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case? They think he's carrying a violin, and might be about to use it.
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Glissando: A violinist's technique for difficult runs.
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Why are there so many violinists in an orchestra? Because the conductor actually wants someone to play the right note.
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A violinist comes home late at night to discover his house burning down. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him that while he was out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned your house down. The violinist replied: "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
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How do you know when a singer is knocking at your door? They never know when to come in.
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"Haven't I seen your face before?" the judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, your honour," the man answered hopefully, "I gave your son violin lessons". "Ah yes", recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
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A female cellist stayed at the front of the orchestra, because she kept her scherzo short.
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What do you call someone who hangs around musicians? - A drummer!
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Two soldiers were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. As they listened to the distant pounding of war drums. One soldier said to the other one, "I don't like the sound of those drums". Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"
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How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always speeds up.
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How do you get a drummer to start playing his drums? Start tuning your guitar.
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Why does the sound man always say 1,2,1,2, into the microphone? So the drummer can make sure he has his sticks, 1,2,1,2.
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Two drummers walk into a bar, which is strange, because you would think that the second guy would have seen the first one do it.
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What do you call a drummer who has lost his girlfriend? Homeless.
Rockin Dave - Mister Boogie Woogie -Midnight Rock