If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today ... He’d be pretty pissed off that they buried him!


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.     
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.               
It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said                 
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."


I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."


I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something 'herby'. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He  said, "You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his  name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "This is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Cliff Richard.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I've just started on a whisky diet,- I've lost 3 days already!

Rockin Dave - Mister Boogie Woogie -Midnight Rock